A Bad News

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

God's Will

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful? 

God said to man --- So that you will love them. 

Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb? 

God said to man --- So that they will love you.

All by Himself

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? 

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A Good Student

Teacher: Why are you late? 

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. 

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? 

Student: No. I was standing on it.

An Elephant's Grave

A: Why are you crying? 

B: The elephant is dead. 

A: Was he your pet? 

B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

Call Me Taxi

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. 

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Double Mistakes

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. 

Is it a boy or a girl? 

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. 

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. 

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

The Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. 
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" 
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." 
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." 
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.